The Truth About Chick Chat
Written by Jordie3 and Jesi, with AerynFoster and Redvenus
Compiled from the original chat by Fantasie
March 9, 2001
One moment, he was just sitting there. The next, Cade Foster, alien hunter, couldn’t believe. He had gone from pacing in Eddie’s trailer to standing in a room, spotlight fixed on him, hungry noises coming from the darkness, and his worst fears had been realized.
He was covered in various sugary delights. He knew he was toast. Or rather, a s’more. Insane giggling and clapping sounded off the walls everywhere he turned.
Dear god, no.... he thought. It’s the weekly chick chat ladies again... now they’ve really done it.
Whispers befell the truly frightened male’s ears, and then, he saw them. He knew it was only a matter of time. They’d find him. And tear him apart. Damn his parents for having such a beautiful child. He gritted his teeth, closed his eyes, and prepared for the worst.
Yes, damn them, he thought. Not again.... Cade regretted that, since both their deaths had been painful to him, but thinking of his past was far better than thinking of his present and future predicaments. The last time, it was ogling in leather.. now, in chocolate.... give me Gua any day.
“God, no, please, I’ll do anything!” For one, he had no idea how to explain the mess that would follow to Eddie. “NO! Not the honey! Noo... ooh hoo! That tickles!” For another...it was pure torture, the kinds of stuff they did. He still had burns from the hot fudge the few days before, and the raspberry sauce had stained in places where it made it awkward to explain.
“Hey! I’m allergic to cheese!”
“What the... you are sick!”
“OH!” one of them proclaimed. “Time to play Hospital!”
Somehow, he knew this was only the beginning. Cade breathed silent prayers to whoever was in charge that he would make it out with at least his hair semi-flat. And with minimal other physical damage. Mental damage, however, was something else all together When they brought out the chocolate markers, he knew he was screwed.
Cade could have gone for a good massage...but, not by one of them. Who knew what she would do. Checkups shouldn’t be this fun. Or awkward. He had seen her with Joshua last week. Josh was still coming down from that.
All of them. Evil creatures from Hell, or some place else. Any number of them could have been Gua, but one thing for sure: they were powerful. Some were insane. Some were bored. Most, well, most were just sick. Very, very sick. He had seen the marks. And the kind of stuff they could do. Especially to Joshua. It wasn’t Joshua’s fault. He hadn’t the practice being human, being able to bear the... pain?
But dear god, Cade had thought he’d had more time. Time to prepare. Time to make a will. Joshua had cracked in under a month. And so, they’d turned their beady sights to him. Eventually, they’d go on to Eddie, but as long as he held out...
When he saw their distraction, he thought he was in the clear. But oh no, they were merely regrouping. These people were smart. And twisted. Really twisted. Those who weren’t smart were quick. And more insane than those who were.
When he saw the approaching turkey baster, he realized struggling wasn’t going to do him any good. In fact, he had the distinct impression it’d only amuse them more. So, he decided to be cool, like normal. He’d sit, and wait for them to approach. Then he’d scream like hell. If that wouldn’t get them gone, the prospect of him being serious injured, he didn’t know what would.
When his screams only elicited giggles, he began to truly panic. These people were #!@$ing nuts! If they were human, they truly needed white padded rooms. If they were human, that is. If not, well, he was even more screwed. Cade was really not liking the PTB right then. So much he didn’t notice what they did to him. Where what went, how hot or cold anything was, or how loud any of them laughed or shouted at him.
All he thought of was the music someone had turned on in the background. It disturbed him even more than the candy canes. Some how, “Whistle While you Work” seemed wrong. Bad porno music, or Britney Spears, who cared at this point? The honey was really starting to bother him at this point, and not focusing on how much it was itching became a main priority. When the disco ball turned on, the tears started.
“Why, God, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY” Someone hated him. Someone really high up must hate him. It was his only reasoning. That, or they had a sick sense of humor, which wouldn’t surprise him. They’d do it again. “There was a reason I was born in 1970...to escape the 70s! Some of these girls are more than 15 years my junior! Why are they doing this?”
Was he not doing his job right? Or was it just that God had fun playing around with him? Was there a God? Where did he put his favorite, blue checked boxers? It was getting to him. The conditioning, it was like Vietnam, brainwashing.... he was starting to like it. Don’t bother God with this.
NO! Must.... fight...it.... but the deep muscle massage and the scent of got chocolate and whipped cream was driving him wild. The smells of all the condiments and various food products was really getting to him. Perhaps, he was going just as crazy as THEM.
No, that could never happen, he wasn’t that sick... was he? When he got out of there...if..., he was in line for a shower and a major psych review, to say the least. For the moment, though, he decided to make the most of it. There was something relaxing about the cookie dough... cookie dough!?!?
“Who shoved the cookie dough there!?!” Cade shifted a bit and blinked back tears. “That’s a very sensitive area! Which state is this? Is that legal?”
“Legal?” said one of the younger ones, Jess, licking off a spatula. “Who said anything about legal?”
Cade prayed to God, not for the first time. Or any other deity listening.
“Besides, don’t you LIKE cookie dough?” another, Jordie, asked innocently, as she started dolloping on meringue.
“One of you, please, for the sake of all the good and kindness in the world...help me!” They all blinked at him, confused looks on most of the faces.”
“You’re not having fun?” This outburst seemed to faze them. But not for long.
“For Pete’s sake! Does it look like I’m having fun!? I’ve got honey and cookie dough and...oh, frig, strawberries, in places I didn’t even know I had!” All he saw were blank stares and lots of greedy eyes.
“And you all call US obsessive psychos.”
It was then that he realized he had no chance of leaving. Reason would never work with these people. Sexual favors, perhaps, but reason, never.
“Just to let you girls know, I’m not exactly liking any of you right now. Do you treat all men who cross your path this way?”
“Only the really, really, really hot ones who fight aliens,” called out someone from the back.
Cade growled. “I’m serious. I’m a busy man, I have to save the world!”
“Yes, well, right now you’re getting your just desserts,” some one yelled.
“Yeah, you’re the dessert! Another one pointed out.
The throng all laughed and giggled. This was wearing mighty thin on his nerves, and Eddie was probably about to breakdown. He was speechless. How did these girls get so depraved?
“It’s here!” someone in the back yelped.
Oh, great. Now what? Cade thought, struggling to look up and see. When he saw the froyo machine, he panicked.
“With sprinkles!” one of them tossed out.
“But of course!”
“What the hell is wrong with you people!?!”
“Anything of everything!”
“YEEAAGGH!” The froyo was living up to its name. “JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!”
And suddenly, all was dark. And quiet. And strangely not sticky. One by one, he saw the girls line up. Each was holding something in her evil paws. He couldn’t tell what, but he just KNEW no good would come out of any of this.
“Please...” Cade was reduced to begging. “Don’t do it.”
“Do what?” Fantasie asked. “Something wrong? But this is so much fun, Cadey-poo. Aren’t you having fun?”
Cade shank back when he saw what she held. The one known as Redvenus had lit one huge candle in the middle of the room. The flame of the candle cast strange distorted shadows on the wall.
“Well, Cade, darling, we just can’t have you all sticky, now can we?” The ice cubes were pooling in their bowl.
“That’s really not necessary. I don’t feel sticky any more. Really, please. Just...send me back...Eddie...y’all like Eddie, right? H-he’s going to go...y’know, Eddish, if I don’t get back. And that’s worse!”
This only caused her to giggle more. Cade shut his eyes and steeled himself for the worse. After all, it was only ic...YOWSA!!
“ANYWHERE BUT THERE FOR THE LOVE OF PIE!”
“Oh, honey, that’s later” chimed in Jordie.”
”Can we get the chains now?” Jess asked.
It was then he noticed someone who seemed to be in charge. “Please... help me!” he implored. Then he recognized her. And was more worried than ever. ”Jordan! Why?”
“You know me, Cade... I always get my man. Too bad I don’t have the biggest gun today, though.
“Call them off, Jordan, please!”
“I can’t do that, Cade. These women, they’re part of their own army. The Cade Brigade, they call themselves sometimes. Dedicated to the worship and edible torture of you.”
Cade Brigade... so that’s what Eddie had been laughing over.
Jordan grinned and looked over to what appeared to be the three youngest members. They held bottles of chocolate goo, chains, more ice, ice CREAM, whipped cream...everything they’d used on him. They all grinned and took steps forward. Cade gulped loudly.
“Can we keep him, Jordan? Huh? Huh?” pleaded an eager, cocoa-carrying Jesi.
“We might have to give him away, oh Holy Bunny-Angst Goddess...but for now, he’s all yours.” And Jordan walked away, leaving Cade absolutely terrified. He’d been scared before, but now...well, now, a different hand was being played. He was in their court, and there was no telling just when he’d escape.
Fighting an alien invasion rarely included edible body paint and fruit. Along with sweets that he’d be cleaning off of him for weeks to come. People would be able to smell him for weeks; Eddie would make cracks about the stench of sugar...he was doomed.
As the power-rock strains of Journey’s opus, ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ filtered in, and the girls closed in, grinning maniacally, Cade tried one last attempt at reprieve.
“But what about... what about...” He stopped as he got the joke. “Oh that’s BAD, that’s really bad!”
“What about what, Cadey-poo? Spit it out, no one likes a stutterer, even if it is unbelievably sexy most of the time. And what could possibly be bad about this?”
“You know you like it.”
“You just don’t want to admit it.”
“You must like it, Cade. We’re doing this for you. We are your humble servants and worshippers...and, if need be, sex slaves, though some of us are not of age just yet.”
“But don’t worry... we’ll wait.”
“And those of us who ARE legal... well, hello.”
Cade stared in disbelief at the number of winks and coquettish grins aimed right
”Please tell us what’s wrong?” The chorus of voices rang out as they circled him and started closing him. Cade had never really been claustrophobic, but now, habits were starting to form. Habits that would haunt him for years to come, and cause his right leg to ache when it snowed. Redvenus handed everybody sparklers and dimmed the light again.
“I think I’m gonna be sick.”
The place got quiet. The sparklers were the only things that gave sound. Then, Hell broke loose. “SOMEONE GET ME THE BAG AND GIVE IT BACK! IT’S MINE!”
Nobody can say what sparkles are brighter - the ones hold in the hands by the members of the Cade Brigade or the sparkles in Cades eyes.
“You called?” Spirit stepped up.
“Not again.” Grimacing, Cade wondered at her qualifications. At least she didn’t have any probes, unlike ... well, let’s just say Joshua doesn’t talk about it.
“Is he going to be ok?” asked Red. “I’ve got hot stewed apples and they ain’t getting any warmer, if you know what I mean.”
“Oh, God.” He hadn’t prayed in a while. A while being 5 minutes. He started again. Not a good sign.
Red had to go in five min and she wondered, Will Cade get alive out of this, what will happen to all the sweets, will she ever know the answer to the question of all questions?
“Please, ladies... I, ahhh, appreciate all the attention, but really, is it all necessary?”
“You’re not having fun, Cadey?” piped Jesi. Cade shook his head. The youngest Cade Brigadier looked around at her friends and shouted “WAVER HUDDLE!”
As the girls huddled, Cade wracked his brain for some way out. Nothing wad forthcoming, sadly. At least, for him. Aeryn watched Cade so he didn’t leave while the others huddled.
Suddenly the door opened and a appearance of Hannah ordered, “LET MY MAN GO!”
The huddling Wavers froze. Everyone looked up and stared. Apparently, the bond they had on Heaven had broke, and God had heard Cade’s cries. They were in deep crap now.
“Hannah, why don’t you join us?” Fantasie offered.
“How about letting him go until next Tuesday?” Red asked. “We can always get him back, he even might come by his own; I think he is hooked.”
“Ummm... hi, uhh, we were just having a bit of fun....” Jordie attempted to explain.
“Fun? Covering my husband in food and torturing him is fun? All of you, back to Hell and the States, now!”
“But the States are hell....so where are we suppose to go?” Aeryn protested.
“I don’t care! It’s going to take him until at least Tuesday to get all this stuff off of him.” Hannah paused. “Which one of you sickos busted out the pumpkin pie filling?” Hannah’s appearance came closer to Cade and the rest was censored.
Cade woke up in the trailer. Eddie was at the computers, typing away. Cade stared at Eddie. “Where am I?”
“Uh, same place you have been for the past 3 years, buddy.”
Eddie peered at Foster’s face, studying him intently. “Are you feeling ok, man?”
Shaking his head a few times, Cade got back into a normal breathing rhythm. “I... I thought... no, ...a bad dream, yes, a bad dream... I...don’t know. I remember...chocolate...and...chains...”
Eddie quirked an eyebrow, spun back around and clamped his ears shut. “Shut up, man. I don’t want to hear it. You and your sick little Brigade just leave me out of it.” With that, Eddie sat down, slipped on his headphones, and proceeded to chow down on a particularly unappealing hunk of Eddie’s Special Sandwich.
Cade sighed, and leaned back into the couch. He jumped up, however, when he felt something in the small of his back. Twisting around, he looked at the offending object. “Hershey’s... oh noooooooo!”
until next Tuesday, that is...
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